Resolution 1

I took a different route home from work today, down 4th street. Now, I drive down 4th street fairly frequently, so it came as quite the shock that the rather large Bingo Palace had disappeared from the corner. Not just the building was gone, but the parking lot next to it, and 1 or 2 smaller buildings, as well. Double take, spit shot! What the hell happened to the block? How could I not notice an entire block had been demolished the last time I drove down that street? (Which wasn't that long ago, by the way.) Wow! It's a good thing I've honed my observational skills to a keen edge to further my craft. (It's also a good thing I'm not a cop.)

I started thinking that maybe the sabbatical I took from writing over the last year did more than make it hard for me to find the words I want. I think it also put blinders on me and hog tied my left foot to my right ankle. (I've been tripping a lot lately.) I'm now curious how I let my creative self get flushed down the proverbial toilet.

After my niece died in 2008, I gave up on anything that made me happy. I know this. I know that I started eating more, exercising less, ignoring friends and family, staring at blank pages more often, and a whole bunch of other stuff that deals mostly with the cleanliness of my apartment. (Don't ask.) I was in a pretty bad place. She was my girl. Though I'm still trying to deal with this loss on a daily basis, I don't think her death is what threw me down the hole.

The more I analyze what happened over the last year, the more I realize that the reason I couldn't bring myself to write is because I had let myself get comfortable in a job that wasn't satisfying. My job has absolutely no intellectual stimulation, but an awful lot of frustration, and I let myself get comfortable just collecting a paycheck. I think that by not searching myself to find out what I wanted from my life, my education, my...whatever, I let myself atrophy. I let my brain take a vacation, and it decided to move to Boca and drink Mai Tais forever. Well, I think I need to close the bar. I need my brain. Well, okay, not for anything really important (at least not at my job), but it would be nice to have it around for the crossword puzzles.

So how do I get my brain back? Ta da! By writing! Which I'm doing. In very short, sentences fraught with poor grammar. (Aha! I'm off to a good start. I can recognize poor grammar.) Step 2 will be to get away from my current job. It's killing me, literally. I've developed an anxiety disorder from the stress, and I'm pretty sure there's some kind of tumor growing on my ass from sitting in front of a computer and working with morons all fricking day! (Breathe) Okay, move on.

It's time to make a plan. I took the first step with this blog. I know the second step is to get a new job, and I'm applying all over the country, but I think a new job will only help if I can determine what it is I really want to do. So, while I'm looking for a less soul-sucking career, I'm also going to be evaluating my goals. Especially since I haven't done that since before I got my masters degree, and well, I achieved those goals. I need some new ones.

Wish me luck!